Architect-ing my life

I’ve always planned things ahead before I want to do something. It depends on the occasions; a day, a week, a month, a year, 5-years or even 30 years in advance. I feel safe and secure when I know, or at least imagine what’s going to happen with my life and the people around me, and come up with different advanced solutions if things does not work out as I’ve designed it to be.

One thing I never thought that I could ever tolerate was when imagining having another child. My husband wanted 5, but then he said we decided to have 3, which until now, I don’t remember me agreeing to it – 2 was good enough for me! I’ve already enjoyed myself with my two precious children – Kakak (big sister) was 8 yo and adik (little brother) was nearly 5 ½ yo that time (April 2009). As a working mom with a very big career ambition, supporting husband and parents – my life was perfect!

Surprise, surprise..

Some time in early May 2009, I was anxiously expecting my period. It had always been regular and predictable. Why oh why.. Probably due to the stress at work or perhaps that extra kilos that were still lingering on me.. Well that’s what I’ve been told before. Or maybe… No.. Let’s not just go there yet. THAT would never happen to me, not again. 2 is always enough.

10 days late – I took the test myself without telling anyone. Positive! Nooo!… Whaat! Whhyyy!! Howww!! Goshhhh!!.. I broke into tears. I couldn’t accept this fate. Why? I’ve been very careful.. for almost 6 years.. How am I going to achieve my goal in my career? The timeline would be broken and if I’m still fortunate, perhaps it would just be delayed. I gave birth to my two children in the UK. I didn’t want to have another one in Malaysia. Well, actually I didn’t want anymore! My life and my career are doomed!

Here I go again..

About two weeks after I found out I was pregnant again, I had finally come to terms with the news. Especially after I found myself an excellent Gynae who could understand my needs and concerns about the whole pregnancy issues and delivery arrangement. My mind raced to start planning for the unexpected new member of the family. Best thing was I got my husband to buy basic baby stuff from the UK since that time I didn’t know where to shop for quality but affordable baby stuff in town. Oh well, cheap excuse, but really, it’s true! Hehe.. Our postponed plan to renovate the house has now become a necessity since we do not have a room for the baby – YES! I was beginning to like the whole unplanned situation.

One day at a relative’s house, I read the Pa & Ma magazine and came across an article about hypnobirthing by Madam Soo Wai Han. That time I was worried because I didn’t know where to get guidance on relaxation and breathing (R&B) technique, which we did with our two previous births. My husband and I could only remember vaguely how we did it then.

My turning point..

So after reading the article and what I did after that onwards, changes my perception towards birthing a baby. My problem was not the fear of birthing my baby (well, actually the crowning part made me shiver!) but more towards being extremely embarrassed by having someone else to watch me doing it. In the UK, luckily, we were given the freedom on the position of how we wanted to birth our baby. When I gave birth to my two children, for both occasions, the midwife had to be fighting her way up and down to help me, since I was on my knee, with my back towards her. The first time was on the hospital bed, tilted with some angle, with my hands holding the back of the bed. The second time was on the hospital floor, holding my husband very tightly and biting his belt at the same time!

So after meeting Wai Han, reading the Hypnobirthing book, talking to my Gynae, watching some inspiring hypnobirth experiences in YouTube, I felt more confident to give birth to my baby girl. My birth plan was all printed out after the second edition, putting in my Hypnobirthing wishes. The EDD was 13 January 2010. My previous two was 10 and 11 days overdue, respectively. So perhaps this one would be overdue too, or maybe not. Our hospital bags (baby and my stuff) were all packed up by mid December 2009, in case she decided to come out early. However, my husband was always busy with his work then. He wasn’t really excited about the idea of Hypnobirthing. So what I did was to summarise and brief him of what I’ve read. I could only managed to persuade him to watch the YouTube videos with me, just days before our baby arrived. His concluding remarks were ‘Oh well, just the way you control your mind using sort of like the R&B technique’. Well, yes, in a way, but I couldn’t feel that he understood me well, when I said to him that if we had to have our baby at home, then he should better know what to do. I said that because our Gynae went for a 10-day holiday abroad when it was end of December. I was just trying to threaten him, because he knew that I only wanted himself and my Gynae to be in the labour room with a very strict privacy requested and provided, as written in bold, capital letters in my birth plan.

A mind of her own

Since mid December, both my feet were all swollen even after I put them up. I could hardly walk or sit for more than 5 minutes. The best thing to do was to go swimming, usually on Sundays when my children were having their lessons. But when it was the 3rd of January 2010, I didn’t go for my usual routine, instead just sending my children there. I felt very heavy and my instinct told me that my baby was preparing herself to come out. However, on our way home, my mom called me up, telling me that she just slipped on a wet floor at her house, broke her knee and on the way to the hospital. She was actually supposed to come to our house the next weekend to help us during the confinement period. Later that day, we learnt that her knee needed to be operated the week after, and she wouldn’t be able to walk properly for up to 6 months! There went another plan. Fortunately, my mother-in-law agreed to replace my mom and she would come to our house the next weekend. So we were back on track again.

On the 4th of January, my children went to a new school, closer to home. And it’s my adik’s (he asked us to call him abang-big brother, only after the baby was born) first day at big school (primary). I’ve already asked a 2-day leave just to make sure he’s adjusting well to the new environment. My eldest was as usual, shy but very excited with her new school. I went back just after 10 am, feeling satisfied. So just to celebrate the first day at this new school (finishes at 3.30pm), I slowly prepared dinner for the family – chicken rice. My follow-up appointment would be on the next day. It was my 39th week. I couldn’t stand on my swollen feet anymore. However, it was a relief when everyone enjoyed their dinner. My husband asked for extra rice and my children said that they wanted to pack some for their lunch the next day, if there’s any leftover.

Later that night, about 12ish, I started to feel the surges. I knew that that was not the practiced labour that I had, for almost 2 weeks intermittently before that. I told my husband that he should get ready, quickly, for the real action. But he simply took his time in between naps, putting the toiletries in the hospital bag and packing the children’s clothes as well. That was not the plan but since my mother-in-law was not there yet, we just needed to bring the whole family along. In the meantime, I was focusing on my Sleep and Slow Breathing on each surge, imagining filling up the air inside my uterus and letting it go like a balloon, as suggested in the book, and it worked! I could actually enjoying my surges and expecting it coming and literally saying “Bring it on, baby” hehe.. I was lying laterally on my bed to welcome these surges, with my bolster in between my legs. I cleared my bladder often and there were times that I had to do the Slow Breathing on the toilet as well. It was a bit surprise, since we found that the time between surges had reduced quicker than we thought – in less than 4 hours from 30 minutes down to about 8 minutes apart. This definitely would be a very short labour.

Grand finale

Baby Jannatul Ishraqq (3.76 kg)At about 4 am, it was already 6 minutes in between surges. And from what we’ve known with our two previous births, we should wait until it was 4 minutes apart, then only we alerted the hospital and went to the hospital. Little that we know that the maths does not really work that way with a 3rd pregnancy. Suddenly I felt the urge to push, and I quickly told my husband that we might need to go to the hospital straight away. Then a very strong surge came and my lower back was in a very intense pressure. With his experience, my husband pushed my lower back so hard and reminded me to keep to the breathing continuously, that it helped me to go through that particular surge. Soon after that, he held me up.. and ‘pop’.. There went my water and I thought to myself then, now I’ve finally woke my husband up in full swing since he immediately woke the children up by calling them out very loudly (we were in our room, and they were in their own rooms across the family area). He managed to also putting on his trousers (was in his shorts and pagoda T-shirt) whilst I was clinging onto him. He kept reminding me to breathe in (later I teased him – you only asked me to breathe in, then when should I breathe out.. hehe) while helping me to go down the stairs with short and strong surges in very short intervals. While we were in the middle of the staircase, I thought to myself, there was no way we could reach the hospital in time since I’ve already started to push. But I won’t have my baby on the staircase either! So my husband was then asking me to hold and keep breathing. And he guided me down to the living room. By then, my husband had already asked my worried girl to open the entrance door, my sleepy boy to put the hospital bags into the car and somehow dragged me to go towards the porch. I thought, I won’t have my baby in the car either. I could already feel the baby’s head was just waiting to go out. And while standing by the entrance door, clinging to my husband very heavily, I spread my legs wider since I knew my baby couldn’t wait anymore, I did the Birth Breathing two times whilst imagining the opening of rose buds and woosshh… baby slide out under my nightgown and my girl managed to push a chair for me to sit down (my husband couldn’t hold me anymore and already asked her to get the chair) and I quickly said to my husband, “Bang, anak kita dah keluar..- Darling our baby has come out” My husband didn’t realise it, he was so shocked and grabbed our baby and passed her to me. I was just smiling to myself.. Alhamdulillah.. yes, we did it! No Entonox that made me half-awake like before, no other people.. only us.. My girl started saying, now we can announce the baby’s name to everyone (She had kept the secret for quite sometime). I was half-laughing and soon after that my baby cried for the first time.. ohh it was so beautiful. There was no bloody scene on the floor. And my boy managed to ask me, so baby came out from your bottom, doctors don’t need to cut your tummy?.. hehe..

Suddenly my boy was asking where dad was. I was like, oh yes, where’s dad. Then the neighbours started coming, it really spoilt the bonding session.. It was chaos after that, everyone started to suggest everything. I felt like pushing the placenta out, but they asked me to hold and wait for the ambulance. One neighbour even suggested maybe I’m having twins! Doh.. It was a bit anti-climax so I kept myself thinking about my baby and I who managed to do the actual birth ourselves and I smiled again. My husband held me while a neighbour held my baby, they wouldn’t let me hold her anymore, and they said I was weak. So I just listened to my husband, who reminded me to continue breathing. Almost an hour later, the ambulance arrived and the midwives got the placenta out. I managed to hold my baby again and breastfeed her for the first time in the ambulance. I was smiling and feeling very happy. The feeling is indescribable.

Like Wai Han said, I had a ‘grand finale’ to brag to my grandchildren. If she’s referring to my successful HypnoBirthing at home, yes she’s right. But if she’s referring to me, doing the HypnoBirthing for my last child, she may be wrong. I always had my mind set to have only two children, but now, I think, with HypnoBirthing, maybe, just maybe.. I can try to experience another one, and this time, I want to make it perfect – the Wai Han’s way! :-)

— Janatul (Jan 10)